BREAKING: Measles Launches North American Reunion Tour, Thanks Brainworms

The Bird Flu may be joining them soon!

Tickets are non-refundable. Herd immunity not included.

That’s right, folks, measles is back, and it’s headlining sold-out shows across the country. All thanks to a magical combo of misinformation, government shrugging, and a level of public health sabotage that could only come from the same geniuses who think sunscreen is a globalist plot.

The virus we spent decades beating back like it was a cursed VHS tape from a Goosebumps episode is now having a renaissance, and it’s not because the science changed, it’s because common sense got evicted. Apparently, somewhere along the line, “owning the libs” meant bringing back Victorian-era plagues.

And it’s working! Congratulations, we’re speedrunning Oregon Trail dysentery mode.

You’d think that after living through a global pandemic, folks would have a renewed appreciation for medicine, doctors, and vaccines. But nope, some people saw 2020, experienced mass death, and walked away thinking, “We need less prevention, more pox.” It’s like watching your house burn down and deciding, “Let’s take the batteries out of the smoke detectors. Freedom.”

And don’t think the government’s going to step in and stop this. Nah, they’re too busy playing Twister with their own spines. One minute it’s “personal freedom,” the next it’s “whoops, an elementary school has turned into a live-action viral load.” No mandates, no coordination, no plan, just vibes, plagues, and public service announcements taped to abandoned fax machines.

Meanwhile, health departments, those underfunded panic rooms of sanity, are trying to put out the fire with a wet sock. They’re out here begging people to trust science, while cable news is busy asking if viruses have political affiliations.

And let’s not ignore the economy! Because when people are sick, kids are home, and employees are out, productivity craters faster than a cryptocurrency scam. But hey, as long as some guy on YouTube says elderberry root can fix measles, we’re golden, right?

We’ve reached the point where measles is more effective at disrupting the labor market than monetary policy. Jerome Powell could raise interest rates to 90%, and he still wouldn’t kill jobs as fast as an unvaccinated daycare.

So here we are, folks: the age of Liberty Diseases™. Where the only thing spreading faster than infection is denial. Where the free market decides which virus deserves your immune system. And where a generation raised on “Don’t Tread on Me” is getting absolutely steamrolled by a preventable rash.

Catch the tour while you can. It’s gonna be a real scorcher.🐴

Loud Donkey is your unapologetic home for bold, common-sense takes that cut through the noise and call out the nonsense—no matter where it comes from. Join The Bray, our growing community of folks who aren’t afraid to speak up, challenge the status quo, and make some serious noise. Subscribe to our work here and follow us over at Bluesky.